Reasons that Woodchuck Productivity is Down
1. MS Windows now includes wood chucking utility.
2. OSHA safety rules require woodchucks to wear protective mouth guards.
3. High speed internet access has most woodchucks browsing instead of chucking. In a related note, the same cable company that provides internet access also carries California highway chases live on CNN.
4. Immigration and Naturalization Service has deported thousands of hardworking Canadian woodchucks.
5. Citing a lack of attendance and financial stability, Bud Selig has announced that woodchucks will be moved to Washington DC at the end of the season.
6. National Rifle Association declares that arming woodchucks is a basic right guaranteed by the founding fathers. Woodchuck on woodchuck violence increases by 473%.
7. Teamsters attempt to organize woodchucks and promotes new working rules for the volume of wood-chucking. The reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson lead a march of woodchucks and proclaim an end to inhumane woodchuck working conditions.
8. Secret Enron subsidiary invests billions in firewood futures. Market collapses sending millions of woodchucks to unemployment. Arthur Anderson is auditing the situation.
9. Los Angeles police, using mammal profiling techniques, arrest thousands of speeding woodchucks driving luxury cars.
10. Sharon Osbourne has replaced pigeons with woodchucks in Ozzy's new tour. Ozzy responds by saying "I'm the &*#+@%^* prince of darkness...where's the &*#+@%^* woodchucks."
11. Using Farm Bill funding, the United States Department of Agriculture pays millions of woodchucks not to chuck.
12. Martha Stewart releases seventh cookbook, New England Woodchuck Potluck.
13. Cirque Du Soleil announces the new traveling company of Chuck, a Forrest Odyssey.
14. Gambino crime family believes they no longer have a mole for the feds. Goes after woodchucks.
15. Plane carrying John Tesh and Yanni CDs crash in the deep forest.
